Yesterday even though on medication I drank and drank not only 1 type of alcoholic drink but a mixture from a couple of gin tonics to blue wkd etc.  But it was just one of those days that I just want to give up and never wake up again. I know it seems bad.. but living without you means nothing at all. You showed me a lot of things you gave me much more than anyone ever could give but you suddenly decided to take it back from me everything that you gave.  

I dare write all this here …coz I have a feeling you don’t check this site anymore. I could close this one down and open another one but makes no point since this blog was started for us… a place for me to write about my feelings about you etc… no point closing it and opening another place as I’m still writing about my feelings towards u etc,

Im coming to switz again in dec. just to see u..even if its for a day or 2 and I have to spend a lot of money to come I don’t care. Being near u keeps me sane. Being apart from u drives me crazy!! So hopefully I can spend time with u this dec. its all ive got dec , jan then I don’t know if u still gonna wait for me for usa or wat.

 I cry myself to bed everynight and most of the nights I wake up in the middle of the night crying.  I cry and I cry like ive neva cried before. But I don’t think it matters any more to u how much I hurt ….

OMG… u finally applied for the uk visa!!! im so darn happy!! I so pray to God you will get it. u put a smile on my face today wen i saw u on the webcam. and also wen u said u applied for the visa!

I will rather die than not have u in my life. I need u… today I so want u to hold me…I want to feel safe again in ur arms. Baby,….hold me to ur bosom….make me feel save again. Im goin crazy. !!1

I miss u so much. I miss ur touch ur kisses ur hold. Bbb come back to me. Cme back to me before I kill myself. Bb. Wihtough u I am nothing…nothing at all. I love u ….i drink too mucj. Bu t I know I love u. remember wat I drank in leysin…now I am worst as I drank more thank I drank then. I love u….talk to me soon before I decide to kill myself or do something stupid. I love u and I want u bak no matter wat u say I llouve u…I am typing this with my eyes close….so I don’t fucking know if I typin ryt….. but know this baby,,,I love u…and no matter wat u say I fkucking love u.

I fucking love u. my heart is urs and urs alone. Ive been in love before but know this babu…. I really love u. u are my one and only love. And I hate myself for being born a female…. I fuckin wish I was born a guy then at least I have a chanve with u. my h3ead bleeding again I don’t know y but I don’t give a fuck…the pain is good….. very good. I love u…and if I die remember I love u… I did sinceu moved into my room and since u told me on the 13…and ever since then I have loved u. I would die than not have u in my life. Come back to me….i beg u…. baby if u want I will beg u in publie I will even sing just if u will come back to me!!! COME BACK!!!

you took everything i had to give adn left me with nothing. not even ur love!! how you think that makes me feel???? you know.. you make me feel like rubbish!! YOu just take wat you want and then just throw me away! do u know how much it hurts????

I dont call u everyday coz i know u hate it. so i call u once a week though it kills me inside not to hear ur voice. its take me a lot of energy just not to call u everyday. So i call u only once a week… on sunday ur off day but then now u said u lazy to talk to me?? wat the fuck. why on earth are u so fucking selfish!!!! do u know wat all i gave up for u???? all the sacrifices i made and took.

Do u even care that i still cry myself to bed every single night??? do u even care that my dreams are filled with nightmares that i will looes u forever??? do u even know that sometimes my dreams are off me killing myself??? and the only reason i have any strenght left is because of my love for u!! my heart only relaxes wen i hear ur voice. why on earth do u think i just ask u to misscall me??? i know u wont spend money…coz now im nothing to u but rubbish… but dear ur still something to me. I still love u. and u know wat sucks…….no matter how much u hurt me and all i still love u.

u knwo how many times i actually think of taking that knife and cutting myself??? or how i want to smoke again adn hopefullly one day die of a asthma?? or drink my life away??? but i dont coz my love for u is great!! that im stayin away from all that…all coz i still respect and love u the way i did from 2006.

do u know u made me so worried that i did not sleep at all last nite?? but ya u can take care of urself ryt? u dont need anybody ryt? ur fuckin selfish ryt? u just use ppl wen u want something ryt? then wen ur done u just throw them away like they are nothing to u RYT??

have u even once called or smsed me to ask how i was doing???? NO!!! and yet u say u still care!! how can u?

do u even know that i no longer eat properly? that i dont sleep well? that i have panda eyes?? that ive been cryin my eyes out everynite!!

Oh why am i wasting my time typing here?? i dont know…maybe i hope that one day u will actually read this blog and know how i really feel.

but just understand this. the day u stop being my best fren or fren is the day u kill me. and im not jokin about it! so its ur choice.!!

Once again as predicted, I let my guard down,
And allowed myself to believe every word you uttered,
Why or why I cant seem to let you go? ,
No matter how u’ve treated me.

Everyday I wait for you to call,
Wishing that things will change,
And go as I dreamt so many times before,
Why or why do you do this to me?

Oh how I miss the sound of your voice.
Never had I imagined that I would fall this deep.
But actions and words done and said can not be taken back,
I?ve got to move on, to forget about the past,
Though it?s aint an easy feat.

Oh how my heart yearns to be in you arms again.
To feel your kisses and hear your soft whispers.
Baby, I miss all the electrifying pleasures that you send running in my body.
How or how did we grow so apart all of a sudden?
Doesn’t the past have any meaning to you?

Oh how can you be so cruel?
You just ripped my heart out and stomped on it.

My head aches from the banging I gave it

The blood flows and I no longer care……

For I am no longer ……..

U ONLY STARTED TO LOVE ME COZ U WANTED ME TO CHANGE???? SO MUCH SO FOR LOVE. YOU’RE SUPPOSE TO LOVE THE PERSON THE WAY THE PERSON IS. YOU WANTED TO TAKE AWAY ALL MY HURT AND PAIN??…GUESS WAT U MADE IT 100 TIMES WORSE!!!!

HOW CAN YOU HURT ME LIKE THIS AFTER ALL I’VE TOLD YOU. AFTER ALL I’VE GIVEN YOU…. AFTER ALL I’VE DONE FOR U???? HOW HOW HWO???

MY HEAD IS SPINNING. THE BLEEDING WONT STOP…BUT I DONT CARE. MAYBE I WILL BLEED TO DEATH…NOT LIKE U CARE ANYWAYS. MAYBE I SHOULD JUST WALK INTO THE LAKE AND LET IT TAKE ME FOR GOOD.

WHY DID U DO THIS TO ME?? WHY WHY WHY ARE U SO SELFISH???? WHY DIDNT U THINK WAT IT WILL DO TO ME. AH FUCK MY HEAD HURTS THE ROOM IS SPINNING.   I WISH TO BE DEAD! LIVIN WITHOUT U IS NOT WORTH LIVING ANYMORE.

Well first entry since coming to the UK. Something that was supposed to seem as a start of a new life changed dramatically just 2 days ago. The main purpose of me coming here no longer exists. Or shall I say it came crumbling down on me and somehow I didn’t manage to escape.  How bad am I trapped? Shrugs

Arrived at Manchester Airport yesterday. The airport sure is not designed to be friendly to its passengers… making them walk long distance, up and down staircases just to get to the luggage area and to the exit. Anyways once out, Lily together with Ian and another of her friend picked me up and drove me to my hotel, here in Windermere where I shall be for the next 12 months.  Everyone was like wow when they saw Windermere…. Everyone except me. I put on a fake smile and was pretending to be happy when inside I was just dead. I thought it was just the tiredness from all the traveling etc but today’s walk around Windermere indicated not. The lake/ water used to calm me down and take away my problems etc. I loose myself with the sounds of the waves. But not this time. This time nothing happened. It’s like the happiness etc has been drained away completely from me. I’m trying to cope but it’s hard. Living life without you being by my side like you used to for the past 15months. 

I haven’t slept in 3nights. And spending the whole of last night crying has left my left eye with a bad allergy. How can I sleep? The only reason I could sleep for the past 15months was because I had you. You kept me safe. But now I’m on my own again. I’m hurting inside… you just don’t know how much. But what can I do? You have made up your mind…  I can’t force you to continue loving me, but you can’t stop my feelings towards you. I love you so much that it is impossible to hate you for what you have done. Loosing you totally will kill me, and even though it’s so hard to being just your best friend again, I have no choice but to accept. All because loosing you totally will mean my end.

Something inside me has broken beyond repair. My hopes/ dreams etc has been shattered. How cold I feel inside is colder than the weather today. I walked around Windermere numb.

I so just want to stop here and go back to Malaysia. Living with the pressure of my family seems better than living without you. God Help me.  Why did you make life so unfair. You filled it with love then just ripped it away. WHY??? WHY WHY????

My head  aches ,so does my left shoulder and arm. I didn’t tell you in switz coz I didn’t want you to worry also coz ur not well too. But nothing hurts more than my heart. I’m living life in a zombie mode. Nothing matters anymore. I just want to fade away.

LIFE SUX!!! LOVE HURTS!!! I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN NEVER TO GET INVOLVED….NEVER TO OPEN UP MYSELF!!! I SHOULD HAVE JUST STAYED BEING THE OLD ME

xxxx

 Date: 28^th August 2007        Day: #3      Time: 1410hrs        Venue: Room # 90

Day 3 in Windermere. How does it feel? The same old same old kind of feeling. Still lost in my sea of thoughts and cold emotions. Got to wait and see how things work out. They say time heals the heart, so hopefully it does. Though somehow I feel myself turning cold inside. It’s hard being sad but having to appear to all a happy bubbly character.

Anyways went to Kendall today and met Lily at the WestMolland Mall. Madje gave me a ride there since today was his off-day. Very nice bloke he is and very helpful. I would say the people I’ve met so far like Katrina, Stuart etc have been very helpful and friendly. Kind of weird actually because even in Malaysia you will never find people that friendly to new staff. So it’s a new feeling for me.  Kendall was interesting. A slightly bigger village than Windermere and it has more shops, malls etc. Costa Coffee where Lily and I stopped for breakfast is very similar to our Coffee Beans and Starbucks back home and McDonalds here is well…. All the Mcds that I’ve come across are red in color (their image colour I mean) Red background and the yellow arch (m) but here it’s yellow and black! So weird but kind of funky in a way.

I’m gonna stop and take a short nap now, or at least try to. My head has been pounding like crazy for the past few days it hurts.

Time: 1913hrs

Almost the end of today. Still have a whole file of notes to read. So much to read and the lighting in the room is not that good. Better than Leysin but still bad. That’s the thing about most EU countries… they use the yellow bulbs which are not good for people with eye problems like me. Got to get a lamp soon. I like my room all bright lol. OH smokes you won’t believe the meals here. It isn’t that bad… but potatoes are served everyday!!! I’m going to go back to Malaysia looking like a potato if I don’t watch what I eat.

Everyone’s so friendly here… but I’ve somehow lost the open feeling and being friendly with anyone. I try but it’s hard as I feel so cold inside…. But of course I can’t let anyone know right. So yea I pretend to be this bubbly character… after all we’re all actors right. Like Shakespeare said, the world’s a stage and we’re actors!

I’m so tired, but I just can’t sleep. Each time I close my eyes nightmares comes. It’s scary!! I no longer feel safe! 

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Date: 30^th August 2007    Day: #4    Time: 1930hrs    Venue: Room # 90

Well today was day 2 of my work….well officially since I was given 2 days off when I got here on the 26^th. Anyways not bad started doing check outs and a couple of check ins. Oh yea also started answering the phones.  Had a induction with Sandy (HR) today…. That was a bit of a bore as it basically was a repeat of what Lisa (head Receptionist) did yesterday.  These people here sure love to quiz you on every document (e.g. safety and health) that they give out. But the bodoh part is we’re allowed to look at the handouts when we do the quiz!!  Baik tak yah buat quiz!

The weather is super chilly today…and it’s supposed to be summer. I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like when winter finally gets here. I’m going to be frozen!!  But other than that the place is alright. Beautiful but I don’t have the mood to enjoy it. I’ve tried going out to town, but I end up walking around mindlessly thinking of you… and lost in my thoughts. Bummer isn’t it.

As dinner in the hotel pretty much sucks!!… why? Simple the Brits sure loves their POTATOES!! Hotel food here is crap I would say… well it’s is for me as I’m suppose to get 3 meals a day in here. Only on that is good is breakfast… that’s also because it’s leftovers from the guest brunch buffet. So yea decided to go out and grab my dinner from the Indian restaurant nearby… not bad I would say… about 9 pounds for a plate of rice, masala chicken and 2 huge plate size papadums!!  I was hoping it would be spicy especially since I asked them to make it extra spicy but bummer again it wasn’t spicy at all.  There are a couple of things I liked to consume or am used to consume when I’m down and spicy food is in the list (but it’s got to be super duper spicy). The other is alcohol (mainly tequila and vodkas). These are 2 of the 3 “bad” things I do when I’m down.  The only good thing is well I swim for eons especially staying underwater as long as I can till I feel my chest is about to explode from lack of oxygen.

I called mom today. She was happy to hear from me and I was happy to speak to her. But the whole conversation I had to pretend that I was happy to be here etc when I’m actually heartbroken. No need to worry mom about it right. My problems…I deal with them.  Anyways mom said Jackie was very sad today. Coz a taxi stopped in front of the house today and she thought is was me (coz I always take the cab home when I’m there) and well she started “crying” and yelping happily the way she does whenever I come home… but the min she realized it was not me she was all L . I miss her… at least with Jackie I could cry my heart out and whenever I was sad she will always stay by me…..and occasionally give out her smelly farts hehehe.

Right now I’m all alone here. Though Lily is just an hour away up in Shaps and I’ve a few new friends here, I’ve lost that bubbly character in me that is naturally happy.  You’ve given me that natural happiness and you’ve robbed me off it when I wasn’t looking.  What can I say… I was stupid to take the risk in the first place. I should have known from the start that nobody stays.  I’m tired, I’m cranky, but I can’t sleep well. Why? Cause I don’t feel safe anymore. Plus each time I close my eyes I think of you… and you face and all we had appears in front of me. It’s to painful to see…. I’m going crazy trying to be normal!!  I just feel like falling asleep and never waking up!

________________________________________________________________________________

 Date: 01^st September 2007           Day: #6    Time: 2046hrs        Venue: Room # 90

How is everything? That’s the most popular question everyone seems to be asking me especially you. The irony behind that question…Geez!! As usual my answer will be all ok ya ya la la lala. But that’s just a cover. Why should others know how I actually feel inside? They can’t do anything to make it better …so why should they know right.

I was feeling so low yesterday that even though I was working the early shift today (0700hrs) I took up the invitation to join some of the other colleagues at the staff block for a small party / drinking session. Drinking alcohol sure can make one forget her/ his problem for a while. Didn’t drink much but drinking on an empty stomach wasn’t that good either. I would have drank more but I know my responsibilities… I have to work so no way I was going to get sloshed. But honestly, the urge to just drink and drink and drink non stop is there. Drink till I get lost in the sea of music like I used to. I’m weak I know… but the misery of it all is sometimes just to much to bare… especially now that I’ve lost my place of refuge. My castle of safety and love was demolished just like that like it was made of nothing but  cheap pile of … I don’t know what.

 You know it was great to hear your voice. Even though you don’t love me anymore, I still love you and need you by my side. Just hearing your voice still makes my heart skip a beat or two. But now each time I hang up I’m filled with sadness because we’re no longer like before. We know longer say muaks muaks and express our loves for each other. I want so much to tell you that  I love you… but each time I control myself because I know you will not like me saying that. Each time I close my eyes all I see is your face and all the memories we built together. Sometimes dreams of what I planned for us appears but are suddenly destroyed by something that even I can’t make out what it is. Baby, the pain is great… too great to bear alone. But how can I tell you all this? I want to share everything with you like before but I’m scared telling you how I really feel and still feel about you will just push you away from me. I hate myself for all this. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m just so lost!!  I’m going to go drown myself in my own misery now. Morbid Rj signing off.

________________________________________________________________________________

Date: 02^nd September 2007    Day: #7  Time: 1450hrs  Venue: Room # 90

10 minutes till my shift starts. An I have no mood at all. I’ve been a zombie today. I hate myself for feeling like this. I’m trying to bounce back but it seems harder than expected. Today is the 8^th day since you told me. I called you yesterday but it hurts me that u seem so happy. I don’t know. Crap I’m crying again. Gonna touch up before heading downstairs to work!

_______________________________________________________________________________

Date: 03^rd September 2007       Day: #8   Time: 0013hrs      Venue: Room # 90

Just got off the late shift. Suppose to be in bed now as I’ve got to rise and shine by 0500hrs for my Early shift at 0700hrs later. But my minds running around with so many agendas that I’m unable to get some shut eyes.

Work was great today. Matej teaches well and he’s great to talk to. LOL though he laughs whenever I use terms that are not really used here like sms or dollars instead of pounds or cents instead of pence =p. Ya ya I know still a lot I need to get accustomed to here especially the COLD and the terms…oh and having potatoes everyday for dinner!!

You know no matter how badly you hurt me… I still keep hoping that you will send me an sms or two. Of course each day I hope you will… but each night I’m get disappointed that you don’t. But I can seem myself to stop hoping. A loser I guess I am…but can’t help it.

Well guess I better try to get some sleep. Or else I’m going to be fucked tomorrow.

Maybe tomorrow you will msg me? I just hope….

_______________________________________________________________________________

Time : 2055hrs

Work went on well today I guess…not busy at all. But I was shivering the 95% of the whole shift. Don’t ask me why, but I feel so cold at times. Then again who wouldn’t when we’re so used to eating so much (well not so much but solid meals which include meat etc) and here the portion we eat is almost nothing.  

 Anyways went out to get some groceries bought a couple of stuff …. Surprisingly it only came up to like 7pounds 30pence. Expected it to be more.  Then since I had like 1 hour to spare I decided to finally go down to the lake. Surprisingly it didn’t seem to do the trick it used to.  Anyways I was already freezing and decided to make things worse by buying myself a nice medium ice cream. It was delicious… but after a while I could not breathe properly (not so bad but slight wheezing). Dump I know but I don’t care anymore. Phhbbbtt!!

 Going to try lose myself in that new Harry Potter book.  Ciao!!

 Will you miscall me?? I wonder. PLZ PLZ PLZ God Let A2113 call!!

 
xxxx

1 year ago on the 13May06 someone told me she loved me which flattered me so much and she had asked if she could kiss me  ^_^”"!! though I wanted to, I did not as we had both to much to drink and I didnt want someone to make a mistake that will leave both of us avoiding each other. But who knew that love was much stronger and 1 week later we shared our first kiss up in Gimmelwald,Switzerland. And since that day, I can never get enough of her!! (so dont make noise wen i ask for more kisses k ) hehehe.

baby, I just want to thank you for taking the chance, coz your the best thing that has happened in my life and for the first time in my life im startin to love myself and want to they my best to achieve what i need to.  You dont know how much you mean to me…but I thank God everday for sending me his angel to love and care and who loves and cares for me too ^_^”.

Thank  you for loving me sexy.!! Anh Yeu Em!!! Muaks muaks.

Well alot has happened all good I would say. Oh yea my baby says she loves the ring ^_^ and she never takes it off hehehe. My baby even her watch she so lazy to take out….I remember only time she takes it off if wen we are sleeping together coz I always complain that it scratches me… heheh true wat :p.

I miss you baby!! Soon I hope to see you …. soon soon ^_^.

Take care honey bunnyl…. Muaks muaks

Anyways soon she will collect it and open. I hope she likes it…. but im scared if she doesnt. Its not expensive but comes from my heart. I would have bought something really expensive but then im saving money to see her faster. hehehe.

I cant wait to hear what she says. I LOVE HER SO MUCH!! and I MISS HER SO MUCH TOO!! Wanna talk to  you for once for one whole day la baby. miss you so so so so much!

I got a shock of my life today. Its something sad. One of my friend’s father passed away. He passed away like 3weeks ago adn since they didnt know I was back I was not informed about it . I used to be very close to this family as I like the uncle and aunty very much. They were one of the first family that made me feel so at home when I left my hometown for the first time at the age of 15. Im very upset and angry with myself for not going and visiting them when uncle was alive. He was such a nice person and gila gila also hehehe. the aunty as well. I went with my mom today when we found out. Sigh

In all this sadness, I messaged my baby… but I did not tell her what had happened. But then her not replyin my smses got to me and resulted in me going so nice to talk to the wall. I didnt mean it… just a whole bunch of mixed feelings and no one to talk to and being ignored by the one person I love so much didnt help.

Sorry baby for making you angry. but B… you know how u use to say u like receiving smses from me. Guess What…I love receiving smses from u too. You cut me off so fast from talking less and also no more smses that I cannot adapt fast enough. Sorry.